Daring to Trust by David Richo

Author:David Richo
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Publisher: Shambhala Publications

Lies We Tell, Hear, or Won’t Hear

In an episode of the TV sitcom All in the Family, Archie Bunker is disappointed with his wife, Edith, because she would not lie to gain the family some money. Archie chastises Edith, saying, “I’m talking about families sticking together.”

Edith, in her characteristically naive yet profound way, replies, “Oh, Archie, I believe in families sticking together, but if I hadn’t told the truth, you’d never be able to trust me again. And then how could we stick together?”

“Archie” and “Edith” may represent two sides of ourselves. Deep down we believe it is wrong to lie, in that it breaks the bond of human trust. At the same time, our need, fear, or greed may make it seem all right to take liberties with the truth.

We lie for a number of different reasons:

To get what we want

To keep a secret

To hide the truth

To protect our body, possessions, or turf

To save ourselves from embarrassment

To preserve our image

To avoid further inquiry

To justify our behavior

To avoid a responsibility

To avoid conflict (or conflict resolution)

To preserve the status quo

To inflate our ego

To hide our feelings

To manipulate someone

To make a fool of someone

To get back at someone who has lied to us

Notice that these reasons are all fear-based. When we are afraid, we may seek refuge in lying rather than in being forthcoming. Unlike Gandhi, we do not trust in the power of truth as much as we do in our own version of what works.

Once we see the connection between lying and fear, we begin to understand why trust and truth have to go hand in hand. Trust requires an ongoing commitment to truthfulness in communication. Yet communication can include lying. However, communion does not. In that trusted bond, we feel safe to share the truth about ourselves. This is why trust and truth can happen only in a relationship of authentic intimacy.

Lying about oneself or one’s actions undermines trust. Being truthful stabilizes trust. As we have seen, trust means that we do not fear the one we trust. If we believe we have to lie in order to feel safe and secure, we are not in the ballpark of trust.

Honest self-presentation is actually built into us biologically. The muscles of our face are geared to portray in exact detail every mood and feeling we are having. This happens without conscious thought. So when we hide our truth, we are overriding a natural tendency. Our body wants to tell the truth. Our fear wants to cover it up.

We can distinguish honesty from self-disclosure. A trustworthy person is always honest but is not necessarily self-revealing to everyone. His sense of boundaries includes keeping some information about himself private. In fact, at times he may be obliged to do this—as in maintaining confidentiality. As wise adults, we are unconditionally honest in our dealings and conditionally self-disclosing. We are unconditionally honest in our speech and conditional about what we choose to reveal.

For instance, in loving-kindness, our honest opinion of others has to be seasoned with compassion.

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